Life with Tweens

Just when you thought you knew it all

A letter to the stranger in my house

Dear Stranger,

It’s hard to write this, because I’m going to be blunt, but things used to be much nicer before you moved in.

There used to be a balance in the way the different personalities in our house worked together and the three of us knew when to be together, but more importantly when to leave one another alone.

We enjoyed board games, nights wandering around the market and sessions just relaxing on the couch.

It was much more pleasant.

Then you moved in. There. You. Were.

The household shifted on its axis and all of a sudden the methods that worked to calm a storm were no longer effective. I couldn’t  count on my silly method of asking the kids to physically get back into bed and get out on the ‘right side’. Loud music and dancing around the kitchen didn’t diffuse a tense situation.

My tried and tested methods are useless!

All of  a sudden a fun chat can turn into a raging swirl of emotion and feelings. Just as quickly it can abate. No rhyme or reason to what sets off these bursts or what calms them.

We can be getting ready to race out the door to an event, sports training or dinner with friends and the mood can go from slightly tense as we all hurry to get ready, to PSYCHO MADNESS AND RAGE in 3.26 seconds.

I can no longer assume that a surprise play with a friend is a good idea because with you in our lives, friendships are shifting as it seems you’ve also settled into other houses in the area. You must be quite transient and you move from house to house sprinkling your nasty anti-pixie dust at will.

Well I’ve come to terms with the fact that you’re here to stay. We’ve made some changes to try and deal with your unexpected, unwelcome visits and I hope you’ll soon become invisible. Or at least your presence will become less disruptive.

I can recognise the signs as you enter the front door, the tell-tale signals that we all need to duck for cover and scatter to our own safe corner of the house. I can see the bubbling emotions simmer at a faster pace and I back off quick smart.

Sleep becomes more important for everyone when you settle in for one of your visits, and we adjust our bedtimes and cut back on energy-sapping activities in favour of some extra downtime.

I slip extra fresh fruit and veggies in wherever I can when you’re around, and our take-away night is ditched in favour of a home cooked meal. It seems to make a slight difference and anything that makes the most minute changes to your unwelcome stopovers is worth it in my opinion.

So to you Hormonal Outbursts, I say back off. I ask you to loosen your grip on my poor tween (and tweens everywhere) as we navigate this minefield of the tween years.

We’re learning to deal with you but please, just give us a bit of a break!

Not so sincerely, Kim

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5 resources to help navigate autism and puberty

5 resources to help navigate autism and puberty

The tween years and puberty go hand in hand, one is a defining aspect of the other. And with that combination seems to come a heap of confusion, stress, high tempers and tears, and that’s not just the kids.

When you throw Autism in the mix, as is our situation, it adds another level of challenge, one that I’m mostly completely un-prepared for.

I recently attended at session at Amaze (Autism Victoria) who kindly took all of us scared parents through a workshop on how best to prepare for the coming years.

Here are some of the resources they shared that night, which I thought might be helpful for you too…

  • La Trobe University’s “Puberty: A Guide for Teenagers with ASD and Their Parents” can be downloaded here. It has a bunch of social scripts for everything from showering regularly to periods.
  • Raising Children Network (which you can find here) has a bunch of social stories as well as information fact sheets for parents and videos as well. They cover the emotional side of things, as well as the physical things.
  • Footprint Books (here) has a huge range of books and resources for both girls and boys going through puberty as well as just general books about Autism. If you love exploring online bookstores, then you’ll love this.
  • Family Planning Victoria (here) isn’t probably the first place I would have thought of to start, but they have a large range of fact sheets, books, as well as videos, which might be easier for some kids. There’s also information about sexual health and safe sex, which I know we we’re going to need at some point (hopefully later rather than sooner…).
  • Amaze (Autism Victoria) runs information sessions, as well as having a bunch of resources available as well. You can find them here.

If you’re stressing about puberty, maybe take a moment to check these out. If you’re anything like me, you’ll want to get your hands on as much information as possible to prepare yourself as we hurtle headlong into the next stage of parenting.

Well prepared is well armed. Or something like that.

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A version of this article was originally published on About a Bugg here.

15 reasons your daughter is a now Tween

15 reasons your daughter is a now Tween

They say that the days are long, but the years are short. And when I look over at the long limbed, gangly tween sitting opposite me, I completely understand.

Some days, I’m sure it was only five minutes ago that I was chasing around a wobbly toddler, listening as she discovered her first words and displayed a fierce independence she still shows today.

Other days seem far too long, and bedtime way too far away, as she throws those well crafted words of scorn over her shoulder as she stalks away. The independence is much the same. For better or worse.

I’d like to put it down to her being a tween. But with no clear understanding of what that means, or how to identify it, I thought I’d put down some thoughts on what being a tween might mean. Here’s what I came up with…

  1. Entertainment ranges from watching her favourite bloggers on YouTube through to playing Barbie and baby dolls; stuck between two worlds.
  2. She actually starts to need the crop tops she made me buy about a year ago. And now refuses to wear them.
  3. Ditto with deodorant.
  4. She’s starting to care more about how she looks and will spend a bunch of time googling the ‘right’ hair style for a particular event. Actually letting you do it? That’s another matter.
  5. She needs a phone. Everyone else has one and you’re actually the meanest mum ever if you don’t let her have one.
  6. She will get up early to watch the cartoons from her childhood when she thinks no-one will know, but will only admit to watching Netflix, if anyone asks.
  7. Boys are still gross. But they are less gross than they were two years ago.
  8. The last of her baby teeth are falling out and she no longer expects the tooth fairy to come. She’ll just hit you up for the cash instead.
  9. Santa and the Easter Bunny are either already extinct or they are on the endangered list.
  10. She’ll start to be embarrassed when you request a kiss in public, but she’ll still climb into your lap at night before bed for cuddles.
  11. The sass. The ‘tude. And the eye-rolling. Seriously.
  12. She’ll start talking in acronyms and slang with her friends. You probably won’t know what it means. In all honestly, neither will she.
  13. She’s suddenly grown out of all her little girl clothes, but is still too young for teen fashion. The dreaded in-between. Luckily Kim has found some options.
  14. Things that were previously judged on their opportunity for fun, are now judged on their cool factor.
  15. She’ll suddenly know everything. EVERYTHING. So don’t even bother.

This new world of tweendom has kind of snuck up on us and there’s no doubt that she’s now crossed the threshold; although as is the nature of tweens, it’s not without a backwards glance or five as she tries to find her place on the cusp of her teenage years.

I’m going to try and hold onto those moments for as long as I can while I get used to this new tall gangly girl, struggling to climb into my lap.

What things do you think signposts this change to the land of tweens?

Let me catch up

LWT Let me catch up

Earlier last month I sat in a conference room, with a coffee urn bubbling away in the background and freshly baked biscuits on the table, along with a bunch of other parents, teachers and my mother while we discussed masturbation.

If that sentence seems confronting, you should have been in the room.

There was a purpose to this; it wasn’t my idea of a fun was to pass a Thursday night. Instead we were there to learn about sexuality and puberty in adolescents with Autism. Which in and of itself is a pretty big idea to get your head around and the 35-odd slide Powerpoint presentation did little to dull the pain.

I know we have to have these conversations. I know it’s time. In fact according to the slides, we’re late. We should have started almost two years ago. Poss is certainly on the threshold of that next phase; we’ve grown her through her baby years, dragged her through her toddler years and we’ve all survived childhood. Next up is the teen years.

After all these other stages of parenting her, this is the one that scares me the most.

And it’s not because I’m squeamish about talking about masturbation or sex or how to put a condom on a banana, it’s just because I’m so not ready for this next phase. It seems like it was just yesterday she was pushing away from the table, taking her first steps. Now she’s pushing away from us.

I worry that she’ll do just what she did when she started to walk; run hard, fall over and smack her head before getting back up and doing it all over again. However, when she was a toddler, I was able to hold her, wipe away her tears, kiss her forehead and make it better. I’m not sure I can do this for her when it comes to puberty.

I worry that we won’t know how best to help her, how best to support her. Occasionally I can see the glimpses of an amazing woman starting to push through the wrapper of this gangly tween; I know she’s under there. But to keep her safe and make sure she doesn’t break before she even gets there? I don’t know. And it wasn’t in the Powerpoint pack.

I promise to do a more helpful post on this topic shortly; there are books to read, links to look at, ideas to wrap my head around. Endless tips and ideas to help trouble shoot the practical and assist with the hard conversations.

But right now, all I seem to be able to do is watch her while she sleeps; those big long jersey cow lashes resting softly on her cheeks as she breaths softly into the night, wishing I could just stop the clock.

Just for a moment, just a second, to let me catch up.

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This post was originally published on About a Bugg.

Meet the Life with Tweens team

Meet the Life with Tweens team

Kim, Renee and Caro are parents living with a primary-schooler, a handful of Tweens, the odd Teen, seven dogs, six fish, two cats and a fat rabbit. Each day is an adventure, to say the least.

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